An Act of Balance

Not this Year

2006-10-15T11:32:00.000-07:00

Well, it looks like I'll be putting off An Act of Balance for yet another NaNoWriMo.

Instead, for 2006's NaNoWriMo, I'll be working on Escalating Descent - a sports analogy for what's going on with the U.S. and the Bush Administration. I'm actually very very excited about this. It's coming together very nicely.

Come join me and if you come from reading An Act of Balance and would like to read more, please let me know and I'll get back to writing this.

The Subject is...

2005-11-11T16:36:00.000-08:00

[Author's Notes] an Anger Causing Agent designed to drive words out of the Author's head.

I decided to spare you all the small font. Besides, I don't want this to be ignored cause this is my basic place of revenge, where I can spit it out and perhaps free myself of this anger that is causing all the kind and nice words I have towards the protagonist which means I can't write about her.

See, if you can't tell already, Barbara is mostly based on my mother. Stupid me. I was feeling charitable towards her after a conversation where the unspoken words were: "no one sees me for who I really am." So, I wanted to do something nice for the woman who reared me, who basically gave me my sense of humor, my life.

So yesterday, my darling mother (NOT!) called to wish me a happy birthday. Now, she did everything right, except ONE THING. Yet the one thing is probably the biggest button on me and she put it there, so she feels she can use it at her leisure.

First off, what she did right. She called me the day before, so she wouldn't wake me first thing in the morning. She was in a great mood, which was also good. And since I had to cut her off (I was at work), I called her back. BIG MISTAKE!

When we got to the subject of Christmas, I said, "I'm staying at Mark's." Now, while my sister has a wonderful really large house, there are only so many beds. And this Christmas, they'll have 5 adults and 2 children staying in a four bedroom house. I'm sorry, there's a friggin BED at Mark's. So, what does she say to my statement that I'm staying at Mark's?

"You're so selfish. Oh that's right, you've always been the selfish one."

You want to know why I hate this administration so much? They use the same bullying tactics my mother uses. Any sign of disagreement, "Oh you don't love your country." "Oh, you're so selfish." BULL FUCKING SHIT!

I am driving thousands of miles to come see her even though I want nothing to do with my friggin tweaker nephew. My friggin tweaker nephew will be staying at my sisters and ANY negative thing that happens, I am betting that he will run back to crystal and use that as an excuse. "Oh, E.E. (which is chinese for younger sister of mom), aren't you glad I moved back into my mom's and am clean now?" And my reply to that is, "I have no opinions about the subject. Any opinions I have will be on the result. You are still going through the process. Therefore, I have no opinions yet."

That'll be better than, "We'll see" right? People think my "We'll see" as an infuriating thing. I only say that because I don't wish to be pinned down on a friggin answer yet cause I don't have all the facts! So, I think I'll just state that. Cause I can just see down the road, "Well, E.E., if you had shown more support I might've made it."

Yeah, fuck you too. And fuck you Mom, for making have a shitty birthday by calling me selfish, something ONLY MY FAMILY seems to think. And strange, they only think that way when they're trying to convince me to do something I don't want to do.

Here I am, writing nice about you and your family, as a present to you to say, hey, your youngest DOES see you. Unfortunately, I also see that friggin ASSHOLE side of you! You are a hurtful, hateful human being when you don't get your way. And there are times when I really feel that Dad had EVERY reason to cheat on you for 40 years. You'd better hope you're not being an asshole when I get to that part of the story, cause you ain't going like how I portray you.

7a

2005-11-09T20:33:00.000-08:00

The months leading up to Simon's departure was torturous for Barbara. Not only was Simon angry at her for her part in the duplicity (she hadn't the heart to tell him the duplicity was only in his head; she had been saying things in front of him but was being ignored) but Carol was all wrapped up in her newfound "friendship" to realize anyone else existed aside from Jimmy and her parents.

So Barbara spent her time going to the movies and spending time with some of her cousins. Macau in the 1950s was like a revolving door for refugees. Because Hong Kong in the past decade had become harder to get into, Macau had turned into the refugee destination point. And because other surrounding countries were starting to open their doors to the refugees since China had formally closed its door on the outside world and thereby limiting the chances of confrontation, Macau saw plenty of arriving and departing Chinese. They poured in, and they poured out.

The Chings, blessed because of their wonderful luck in securing an apartment, were also cursed by the shelter. The shelter made it much harder to convince Isaiah to move. So, they stayed, and stayed, and saw the fronts and backs of their relatives as they arrived like beggars and left as opportunists seeking betterment in other places.

For Barbara, it was perfectly fine for that meant constant excitement. When Donnie arrived, they had a wonderful year together chasing each other down back alleyways and exploring old abandoned buildings where tons of squatters lived. In fact, it was probably the only time in her recent adult life (adult meaning when she entered the university) where she allowed herself to get dirty. When her cousin Joanne arrived, she learned the wonders that was Glamour Magazine and Cosmopolitan. Much more fun than sitting at home with her father, or being around sulky, silent Simon, or listening to Carol's silent sighs.

But, Barbara was fully aware the good times were going to end soon. Within a year, she'd be out of school. Which meant one of two things: either she had to work, or she had to stay at home and look after her father. She loved Isaiah, there was no doubt about that, even adored him, but staying home with him all the time would be a slow suffocation to her. And working meant, no more wandering the city by herself or with a cousin. Working meant, no more eating stinky tofu in between meals. And worst of all, working meant no more practicing dance steps in back alleyways.

Steven, her second cousin on her father's side, had picked her up one Saturday evening and whisked her to her first nightclub. And Barbara fell in love with dancing that night when she learned how to fox trot. If Isaiah or Sarah knew that Barbara was there dancing every Saturday night after that, instead of studying at the library, she'd be in so much trouble. But she was safe. The only person to wander out past 9 pm was Simon, and he went to go sample food at the latest new restaurant.

[526 words]

Chapter 6

2005-11-09T20:26:00.000-08:00

A few weeks after Jimmy had bought Barbara stinky tofu, he showed up at their church. When the family was just getting seated after waiting until Isaiah had dragged himself into a seat, Barbara noticed that Jimmy was sitting in a pew near the back.

She nudged Carol with a giggle, then as discretely as a giggly 18 year old could get, pointed at Jimmy. Carol turned three shades of pink before settling on a darker purple hue and the changes made Barbara giggle more. Poking them in the back, Simon pointed to a pew.

After the singing and tithing, a small bespectacled unassuming man took the podium and the Ching family collectively gasped: it was Sung Mok Sze, Reverend Sung, the one who had baptized all three Ching family children as well as all their cousins. Hallelujah, he had made it out of the Communists' grasp! Sarah beamed at her family as if it was her surprise, since she had played piano as well for the previous service and knew about his presence.

The affection with which the mostly Shanghainese audience showered on the good Reverend would've surprised the current Pastor of the church, if he hadn't just witnessed in the previous service. In 1946, his church consisted of mostly southern Chinese who'd emigrated to Macau in search of a better life than life in rural China but now, his church had been taken over by the Shanghainese refugees. It was amazing how many protestants came from up north. Here, in the south, the heavier influence had been catholic.

So, when Reverend Sung contacted him from Hong Kong and confirmed the large presence of Shanghainese in Macau, they quickly arranged for this surprise visit. It was a good move; Reverend Wong could see his congregation visibly perk up.

Revereng Sung had specifically asked about Isaiah and was saddened to learn of his stroke. He hadn't been surprised to learn of Sarah's immediate volunteering to take over piano duties and was glad to hear that Carol seemed to follow in the elders' footsteps of service to the church. What of the two younger, he wanted to know and in order to do that, he had decided to stay the week.

Barbara loved having Reverend Sung around. He'd always been a sweet, benign person to be around, one that people tried to make laugh because his laugh was so infectious. Even Simon enjoyed having him around and Simon liked very few people.

After the sermon, Sarah rushed over to tell her family that they were going out for dinner. Isaiah looked at her with surprise, and she said to him, "I'm going home to press your best suit. You are going to look so handsome. I've been saving for a special occasion and I guess this is going to be it." She straightened up his tie, beaming at him.

Just then, a very nervous Jimmy walked up to Isaiah, stuck out his hand to shake Isaiah's before realizing Isaiah was leaning on his cane for support, and quickly withdrew the hand. Clearing his throat, he stood straight up and announced to Isaiah that his name was Jimmy Sun Wun Ming and he'd like the opportunity to sit next to the family during sermons, and if Isaiah didn't mind, perhaps he, Jimmy could take the entire family out to dinner sometime.

Simon looked at the firetruck red Carol, then at the stammering Jimmy and put his quick analytical mind to work. He quickly surmised Jimmy's intent and started laughing his head off, earning him a hard punch in the arm from Carol.

Before any of the family could react (besides laugh), Barbara quickly said, "Well, what about tonight?" Sarah poked her youngest in the back, though stifling a chuckle, and Isaiah laughed outright. The good natured Jimmy nodded with enthusiasm, even at the suggestion that a family friend come along, and to his everlasting credit, he never balked at the suggestion of the new western cuisine restaurant that just opened near the riverfront.

Before the night was out, Jimmy had become one of the family.

Since the Ching family and Reverend Sung were all familiar with Western culture, they were all looking forward to being able taste such faire as borscht, french onion soup, roast beef, and chicken marsala. Most western restaurants during that time in Asia tended to carry an international menu since western food were pretty much lumped into one group.

And just in case some of the party objected to the standard western cuisine, a few Chinese dishes would be included in the menu as well. There would usually be an oxtail soup, disguised to be a french dish but in reality was a oxtail stew Chinese style. Also, some sort of fried rice or rice noodles would appear under the Chinese Food heading. Simon had a peculiar habit of trying out the Chinese cuisine in western restaurants, so Jimmy didn't feel out of place ordering the rice noodles with beef.

Reverend Sung's curiosity with Jimmy didn't last long; he was much more interested in what the younger two Chings were up to. The last time he had seen the two, they had been far more receptive to the gossip rags of Hollywood than the word of God so he feared a little that the younger two would not be as devout as the parents or Carol.

When Reverend Sung asked Simon what his plans for the future was, Barbara, under Isaiah's direction, made an announcement, much to Simon's surprise. She stood up and cleared her throat instead of letting Simon speak for himself.

"Simon," she declared, "will be going to America soon. I wrote my godparents and they have decided to sponsor him to America." She could feel Simon's stunned look boring into her back. She quickly continued. "He will be attending the California State University of Sacramento after he works off the money that paid for his passage to America."

A fist slammed down on the table, making the entire restaurant look towards their table. An fuming Simon asked, "Who made this decision?" Whirling on his father, he snarled, "Trying to get rid of me, old man, is that it?"

Very quietly at his end of the table, Reverend Sung coughed and said almost under his breath in English, "Thou shalt honor thy mother and father." Having said that, he bowed his head and prayed.

That small little action seemed to drive all the air away from Simon's horn and he just looked at the small praying man on one end of the table and then at the crippled, glowering man on the other end. Trying to keep his dignity and yet hold on to some of his righteous anger, he threw his towel down on the table and said, "Fine. America it is. At least there, I might learn something."

After delivering this little jab at his father's teaching abilities, Simon stormed out. Jimmy, in all earnestness, asked Isaiah if he should go after him. Shaking his head, Isaiah said, "Don't worry about Simon. His love of fine food will overcome his anger." Sure enough, Simon came back before they finished the main course and devoured his roast duck.

[1203 words, 7157 total]

6c

2005-11-09T19:32:00.000-08:00

Since the Ching family and Reverend Sung were all familiar with Western culture, they were all looking forward to being able taste such faire as borscht, french onion soup, roast beef, and chicken marsala. Most western restaurants during that time in Asia tended to carry an international menu since western food were pretty much lumped into one group.

And just in case some of the party objected to the standard western cuisine, a few Chinese dishes would be included in the menu as well. There would usually be an oxtail soup, disguised to be a french dish but in reality was a oxtail stew Chinese style. Also, some sort of fried rice or rice noodles would appear under the Chinese Food heading. Simon had a peculiar habit of trying out the Chinese cuisine in western restaurants, so Jimmy didn't feel out of place ordering the rice noodles with beef.

Reverend Sung's curiosity with Jimmy didn't last long; he was much more interested in what the younger two Chings were up to. The last time he had seen the two, they had been far more receptive to the gossip rags of Hollywood than the word of God so he feared a little that the younger two would not be as devout as the parents or Carol.

When Reverend Sung asked Simon what his plans for the future was, Barbara, under Isaiah's direction, made an announcement, much to Simon's surprise. She stood up and cleared her throat instead of letting Simon speak for himself.

"Simon," she declared, "will be going to America soon. I wrote my godparents and they have decided to sponsor him to America." She could feel Simon's stunned look boring into her back. She quickly continued. "He will be attending the California State University of Sacramento after he works off the money that paid for his passage to America."

A fist slammed down on the table, making the entire restaurant look towards their table. An fuming Simon asked, "Who made this decision?" Whirling on his father, he snarled, "Trying to get rid of me, old man, is that it?"

Very quietly at his end of the table, Reverend Sung coughed and said almost under his breath in English, "Thou shalt honor thy mother and father." Having said that, he bowed his head and prayed.

That small little action seemed to drive all the air away from Simon's horn and he just looked at the small praying man on one end of the table and then at the crippled, glowering man on the other end. Trying to keep his dignity and yet hold on to some of his righteous anger, he threw his towel down on the table and said, "Fine. America it is. At least there, I might learn something."

After delivering this little jab at his father's teaching abilities, Simon stormed out. Jimmy, in all earnestness, asked Isaiah if he should go after him. Shaking his head, Isaiah said, "Don't worry about Simon. His love of fine food will overcome his anger." Sure enough, Simon came back before they finished the main course and devoured his roast duck.

[520 words]

A body at rest tends to ....

2005-11-09T19:25:00.000-08:00

[Author's Notes] So last night, on pins and needles all night (partially because of pms, partially because of the stupid useless election friggin' Ahnuld made us go through) I didn't write. Can you tell? I am now further behind than ever, but shall I let this daunt me? (God, I feel like Donnie Rumsy right now).

Today, I shall attempt to write 1,000 words and make up the rest on Friday, my birthday.

So, resigned idealist, how did you spend your 42nd birthday? Oh, I spent it doing laundry and bleeding from the fingers and my uterus. Yeah Yeah, I know my period isn't here yet, but trust me, my office, Bratworse AND myself can't wait. At least I won't be so jumpy and ready to snap at everyone.

All I can say is, I am so glad the voters in California came to their senses. I know that we lost San Diego and Orange to the dark side a long time ago, but I am sooooo glad that the rest of us has come to its senses.

Now, maybe I can write.

6b

2005-11-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

Just then, a very nervous Jimmy walked up to Isaiah, stuck out his hand to shake Isaiah's before realizing Isaiah was leaning on his cane for support, and quickly withdrew the hand. Clearing his throat, he stood straight up and announced to Isaiah that his name was Jimmy Sun Wun Ming and he'd like the opportunity to sit next to the family during sermons, and if Isaiah didn't mind, perhaps he, Jimmy could take the entire family out to dinner sometime.

Simon looked at the firetruck red Carol, then at the stammering Jimmy and put his quick analytical mind to work. He quickly surmised Jimmy's intent and started laughing his head off, earning him a hard punch in the arm from Carol.

Before any of the family could react (besides laugh), Barbara quickly said, "Well, what about tonight?" Sarah poked her youngest in the back, though stifling a chuckle, and Isaiah laughed outright. The good natured Jimmy nodded with enthusiasm, even at the suggestion that a family friend come along, and to his everlasting credit, he never balked at the suggestion of the new western cuisine restaurant that just opened near the riverfront.

Before the night was out, Jimmy had become one of the family.

[205 words - to be continued]

6a

2005-11-07T20:10:00.000-08:00

Chapter 5

2005-11-07T19:34:00.000-08:00

Just as they had reached the four year mark in Macau, things finally came to a head between Simon and Isaiah. Isaiah would love to have throttled his son, just to knock some sense and humily into him, if only he could move fast enough to catch him. Simon, for his part, would have loved to have teach his old man a lesson, if being crippled didn't forever taint that allowance. As it was, tempers simmered along for lack of a release.

Isaiah had indeed become a changed man after his stroke. His bitterness tinged everything which made being around him hardly bearable. One of the reasons people had such sympathy for Sarah was knowing Isaiah's temper. Yet, it seemed a miracle to most in the church that Isaiah seemed to know and understand where each person's breaking point was, and he seemed to stay clear of that. Nonetheless, his temper was still something to behold.

No slouch in the temper department himself, Simon had the fiery Ching temper. Once it flared, it had to burn itself out or the simmering result would last in a fireball no one in the family wanted to experience. Therefore, Simon almost always got what he wanted, from food at dinner to getting a partition to his part of the studio apartment. Barbara and Carol would console themselves telling each other about how hard it'd be for Simon to find a wife who was willing to put up with both his idiosyncracies as well as temper. The more repugnant his temper, the more they voiced this opinion as if to curse him.

This particular row was over Simon's grades. At first, Simon got top honors no matter the class but after three years, his grades were bordering on being average. Why! Isaiah wanted to know from his son, how could he, a principal's son, let his grades fall to such an... average (the word was spat out) degree?

Barbara, having just gotten home from school, pulled up a chair to eat her afternoon snack of red bean biscuit. For a moment, she wondered if she should get up and seek out some amusement but Simon shot her a pleading look. Resignedly, she tried to make herself as small as she could in the corner.

Isaiah was waving his cane around like a sword, his voice getting louder with every swipe he took. "I just don't understand it. You have got to be one of the brightest I've ever seen and yet, you're willing to throw it all away! What is wrong with you, that you have to spit on everything that's given to you?"

Simon yawned, which infuriated Isaiah more; Barbara could tell by how wide the arcs in his swing was. "You listen to me! Don't you remember your teachings? Honor your father and mother! Is this how you honor your mother, how you honor me? No, you disgrace me! And your mother!"

At this, Simon took offense. "Mother understands why I needn't bother! Peh, the way you're acting, this is Oxford. Wake up and look around, old man. This isn't Shanghai. This is Macau. And you cannot call that school, a university! Why should I try? I might as well go to the racetrack!"

"The racetrack! I knew it! I knew you were up to no good. Do you know what God thinks of gambling?" Isaiah was almost spitting his words out.

"Do you know, old man," Simon said slowly, pointing to Isaiah's brandished cane, "how that was paid for? Do you really think Mother says no when I give her part of my winnings? She says, 'Thank you, Son,' then goes out and buys you special spices so you can have your chili dishes. Simon leaned into his father's face, "Why don't you say, 'Thank you?'"

Immediately, a clang rang out as the cane dropped onto the tiled floor followed by an echoing smack. Barbara looked up to see Simon's aghast face as he clutched his left cheek. Her father was beckoning to her brother, "Come on closer, so I can get the other cheek, son."

Simon spat at the ground and left the house.

Sighing heavily, Isaiah leaned over to pick up his cane, but it had skittered just out of his reach. Barbara ran over to help him. "Obedient daughter," Isaiah muttered absently. Was it her imagination or did her father just sprout some white hair? It was hard to tell against the pale skin. Her father's gaze landed on her and his eyes focused. "So, youngest daughter of mine. What shall we do about this brother of yours? It seems he needs a challenge. Where shall he go?"

"Well, most of our family went to America. Maybe they can help?"

"I've tried. It seems most don't want to associate with the principal of a school that printed Communist propaganda. Strange, huh?" Isaiah's eyes twinkled at his daughter. She giggled, happy to see some life stirring in her father again. Perhaps it took Simon making him this mad to appreciate life again?

"Well, you know who else is in America? My godparents."

"Oh yes! Victor and Samantha. Why don't you write them and see," here, Isaiah's tone turned mocking, "if they're up to handling an ill-tempered genius?"

Simon's fate was sealed the second Barbara put pen to paper.

[889 words, 5954 total]

5b

2005-11-07T18:47:00.000-08:00

Isaiah was waving his cane around like a sword, his voice getting louder with every swipe he took. "I just don't understand it. You have got to be one of the brightest I've ever seen and yet, you're willing to throw it all away! What is wrong with you, that you have to spit on everything that's given to you?"

Simon yawned, which infuriated Isaiah more; Barbara could tell by how wide the arcs in his swing was. "You listen to me! Don't you remember your teachings? Honor your father and mother! Is this how you honor your mother, how you honor me? No, you disgrace me! And your mother!"

At this, Simon took offense. "Mother understands why I needn't bother! Peh, the way you're acting, this is Oxford. Wake up and look around, old man. This isn't Shanghai. This is Macau. And you cannot call that school, a university! Why should I try? I might as well go to the racetrack!"

"The racetrack! I knew it! I knew you were up to no good. Do you know what God thinks of gambling?" Isaiah was almost spitting his words out.

"Do you know, old man," Simon said slowly, pointing to Isaiah's brandished cane, "how that was paid for? Do you really think Mother says no when I give her part of my winnings? She says, 'Thank you, Son,' then goes out and buys you special spices so you can have your chili dishes. Simon leaned into his father's face, "Why don't you say, 'Thank you?'"

Immediately, a clang rang out as the cane dropped onto the tiled floor followed by an echoing smack. Barbara looked up to see Simon's aghast face as he clutched his left cheek. Her father was beckoning to her brother, "Come on closer, so I can get the other cheek, son."

Simon spat at the ground and left the house.

Sighing heavily, Isaiah leaned over to pick up his cane, but it had skittered just out of his reach. Barbara ran over to help him. "Obedient daughter," Isaiah muttered absently. Was it her imagination or did her father just sprout some white hair? It was hard to tell against the pale skin. Her father's gaze landed on her and his eyes focused. "So, youngest daughter of mine. What shall we do about this brother of yours? It seems he needs a challenge. Where shall he go?"

"Well, most of our family went to America. Maybe they can help?"

"I've tried. It seems most don't want to associate with the principal of a school that printed Communist propaganda. Strange, huh?" Isaiah's eyes twinkled at his daughter. She giggled, happy to see some life stirring in her father again. Perhaps it took Simon making him this mad to appreciate life again?

"Well, you know who else is in America? My godparents."

"Oh yes! Victor and Samantha. Why don't you write them and see," here, Isaiah's tone turned mocking, "if they're up to handling an ill-tempered genius?"

Simon's fate was sealed the second Barbara put pen to paper.

[509 words]

5a

2005-11-06T18:27:00.000-08:00

Chapter 4

2005-11-06T18:11:00.000-08:00

During Barbara's 3rd year at "university", she had taken a break between classes in search of stinky tofu. Stinky tofu was a Shanghai delicacy which had recently wound its way down to the streets of Macau. It really was an appropriate name; most local folks in Macau would studiously avoid the stall. Yet the stall was constantly mobbed by the Shanghainese immigrants who found the odor and taste both flavorful and fragrant.

Barbara had been pretty happy lately; her studies really didn't occupy her time or thoughts too much. Even with as little time as she spent on schoolwork, she was still the head of the class, and that was pretty much all that mattered, wasn't it? In the meantime, another movie theatre opened up just around the corner from the cramped apartment they all resided in, so all in all, life was really good.

She sniffed the air for the tell-tale pungency of the tofu. Ah, there it was, she can just make out its smell over the exhaust fumes of cars whizzing by. Because business was so brisk, the "tsuh duh voo" stall hadn't moved from its spot in days. It was indicative of the sheer numbers of Shanghainese flooding into the city; in 1949, no street vendor alive would've been caught selling the aromatic delicacy.

Nudging her way to the front of the line, Barbara quickly ordered and got two large dripping pieces of tofu but before she could pay, a hand shot out of the crowd to pay for it. Standing on tiptoes, she tried to look over the shoulders of the crowd behind her. "Ah Koo, sze nung ah?" Big Brother, is that you?

The hand appeared out of nowhere, grabbed her wrist and pulled her through a small opening in the crowd and squirting through, she emerged in the open looking for Simon. But it wasn't Simon. It was another guy standing there, grinning at her.

Puzzled, she demanded, "Nei hai meen goh!" switching to the local dialect, Cantonese, she had picked up these past two years. The skinny, kind-of-good-looking-but-definitely-with-eyes-too-narrow boy just shrugged at her, then spoke in halting broken Cantonese, "Mm sik gong." No know speak. He continued to grin at her.

She switched to Shanghainese, not knowing what else to do. "Nung gong Sang Hei woo, ah?" He nodded once, still grinning but his grin was slowly metamorphized into something more bashful. Barbara thought to herself, oh no, I hope this grinning dummy isn't about to ask me out.

Finally, the boy said in Shanghainese, "Ve sho de nah nung gong..." Don't know how to say it... and he quickly blurted out, "Nung yuh ah chia? Ngu keu chu goo, gah." You have an elder sister, I've seen her. He then shuffled his feet and blushed at the floor, which immediately endeared him to Barbara.

Oh good, it's Carol you like. Cause you're just a bit too dopey for me. But, you might be good for Carol. Barbara didn't say anything to this declaration of his, there wasn't any need to, so she waited for him to say why he bought the stinky tofu for her. And she waited. After a minute or two, she finally spoke up. "Wei! Ngu ve dung le hao." Hey! I'm not going to wait any longer. She pointed at the stinky tofu and with four gulps, she had downed the two pieces.

"Eh?" The boy looked up from his feet and with a start, realized that Barbara was still standing there and that she had been waiting for him to speak before eating. "Oh! Deh ve chee, deh ve chee." He bowed as he said this. Giggling, Barbara accepted his apology though she thought he was overdoing it a bit. After all, it seemed to her, the boy was more apologizing for his thoughts than his actions or lack thereof.
Then the boy jerked his head away from the stall and Barbara nodded. Following him would be far more interesting than going back to spend the afternoon typing. Somehow the boy seemed safe and Barbara trusted her instincts. He led them to a less traversed but still fairly crowded corner where it was more pedestrians and less vehicles.

"Hau che, mah?" Good eats? She nodded, aware that her breath now carried a trace of the aroma. "Good, good." Surprised for the first time today, Barbara wondered where the boy picked up English. He could barely speak Cantonese, yet his English was spot on? Strange.

"Ngu sz Sun Wun Ming. Beh ning chiao ngu Jimmy. Ngu yi sz che St. Joseph's dok sze guh. Ngu ah chia luh nung bak bak guh hoh dong dok sze. Leh yee duh, ngu kew chee nung ah chia, soo yi shao duh nung yuh ah chia. Mmm-muh siang duh weh duh leh tse di kew chee nung."

I am Sun Wun Ming, but others call me Jimmy. I went to St. Joseph's [in Shanghai] to study. My elder sister went to your father's school. There, I've seen your elder sister, that's how I knew you have one. Never thought I'd see you here.

"Gah tsioh," She chuckled.

"What's so strange?" he looked at her puzzled.

"Your name! It sounds the same as my sister's. Wun Ming." "Yi yang, guh!" she repeated for emphasis.

"Oh really? It must be fate, then", he laughed. "Can you bring me to go see her?"

Barbara stepped back, giving Jimmy a hard look. "Why should I trust you?" But seeing immediately the sadness that descended at her words, she quickly said, "But there is a way you could see her. Start going to my church." and she gave the address to him. "She plays piano for the children during the first service, then she goes and listens to the sermon at the second service. I suggest the second service."

Leaving him at the corner with his mouth open, she ran away yelling back, "Thanks for the stinky tofu....!"

[993 words, 5,065 words]

4b

2005-11-06T17:27:00.000-08:00

Then the boy jerked his head away from the stall and Barbara nodded. Following him would be far more interesting than going back to spend the afternoon typing. Somehow the boy seemed safe and Barbara trusted her instincts. He led them to a less traversed but still fairly crowded corner where it was more pedestrians and less vehicles.

"Hau che, mah?" Good eats? She nodded, aware that her breath now carried a trace of the aroma. "Good, good." Surprised for the first time today, Barbara wondered where the boy picked up English. He could barely speak Cantonese, yet his English was spot on? Strange.

"Ngu sz Sun Wun Ming. Beh ning chiao ngu Jimmy. Ngu yi sz che St. Joseph's dok sze guh. Ngu ah chia luh nung bak bak guh hoh dong dok sze. Leh yee duh, ngu kew chee nung ah chia, soo yi shao duh nung yuh ah chia. Mmm-muh siang duh weh duh leh tse di kew chee nung."

I am Sun Wun Ming, but others call me Jimmy. I went to St. Joseph's [in Shanghai] to study. My elder sister went to your father's school. There, I've seen your elder sister, that's how I knew you have one. Never thought I'd see you here.

"Gah tsioh," She chuckled.

"What's so strange?" he looked at her puzzled.

"Your name! It sounds the same as my sister's. Wun Ming." "Yi yang, guh!" she repeated for emphasis.

"Oh really? It must be fate, then", he laughed. "Can you bring me to go see her?"

Barbara stepped back, giving Jimmy a hard look. "Why should I trust you?" But seeing immediately the sadness that descended at her words, she quickly said, "But there is a way you could see her. Start going to my church." and she gave the address to him. "She plays piano for the children during the first service, then she goes and listens to the sermon at the second service. I suggest the second service."

Leaving him at the corner with his mouth open, she ran away yelling back, "Thanks for the stinky tofu....!"

[349 words]

4a

2005-11-06T13:10:00.000-08:00

Chapter 3

2005-11-05T11:56:00.000-08:00

Simon and she went to different schools mainly because in 1949 Macau, one just didn't find a true university that accept women. The scholarly arts were for men. The school Barbara attended, the one intended for her homebound sister was more like a secretarial finishing school.

The courses offered in the secretarial school were for subjects like typing, or stenography, or dictation. Of course Barbara excelled in them; she was a quick study no matter the subject. But challenging? No, she was sick with envy every time she'd look at her brother's diminishing form as he walked away to his school.

He got to study such exciting subjects as trigonometry, or calculus, or chemistry. At first, Barbara would get Simon to teach her the things he was learning, but she quickly figured out that either he was a lousy teacher (which was entirely possible) or he was deliberately leaving things out so she couldn't follow him (which again was posssible). No matter the reason, she wasn't understanding. So to stop the frustration with both the subject and with Simon, she just stopped asking.

She called it the "Ah Q" mentality. And she was proud of herself for being able to execute it. Her youngest daughter in the future would call it the Polly Gumping of life, in reference to two movies: Pollyanna and Forrest Gump. Basicaly, it was, if it's upsetting, look at something else that makes you happy. In this case, she didn't want to think that she was stupid, nor did she want to think her brother was malicious.

Simon's life for the next four years would be consumed with showing the professors at the university he was smarter and therefore had little time to go gallavanting with Barbara. Too much urging from her would start a lecture about how she wanted fun too much and how it will just harm her in the end. The retreat from his presence was immediate.

"Come on, come visit the market with me," and Carol would shake her head no, with a fearful glance out the window. Carol's life consisted of home and the church, with occasional forays out to eat. It seemed to Barbara that Carol was afraid the Communists would burst through the door any moment to snatch her and drag her back to the mainland. "Ve wei da leh guh, ah Chia" They won't come, Sis. But a grunt from Isaiah would confirm the necessity of Carol staying at home since Sarah was at work.

Within a month of them finding a church, Sarah had taken over as the church piano player. It was the perfect opportunity to be devout, show devotion as well as advertise one's skill and talents. And since everyone in the church knew of Isaiah's condition, Sarah was soon teaching all the children in the church piano, earning enough for the medical bills as well as food and rent for the entire family.

As more and more Shanghainese flooded into Macau, Sarah's students finally started extending past the parameters of the church. She became the piano teacher for the entire Shanghai community in Macau. Years later, Sarah's grandchildren would be astounded by the constant flow of former students that came by to pay their respect to her.

Before long, Carol took on students of her own since the demand outstripped the supply. Though Barbara's skill at the piano was nearly equal to Carol's she wasn't old enough to command respect and was spared having to work. Simon, of course, didn't have to work; all his energy had to be directed at studying.

Isaiah, at this point, could move around gingerly by using a cane and dragging his left foot around. He had gone from a handsome laughing man to an angry, grumpy man who often took his anger out on yelling at every little transgression. All of them dreaded staying at home because of Isaiah's temper but he still needed frequent attention. He was unable to bathe by himself and he fell often.

After one particular nasty exchange between Isaiah and Simon, Sarah told the three children not to come home until she had put a white handkerchief in the window. Carol, Simon and Barbara huddled beneath the window, speculating wildly in their thoughts, but none daring to vocalize them.

After what seemed like countless hours, the much anticipated handkerchief appeared. The three of them marched in with sideway glances at the parents. Isaiah was calm and sitting at the head of the table, with a full spread in front of him. He indicated to the three to sit down. Sarah then sat down and offered a prayer of thanks. Nothing else was ever said about that night and a peace descended upon the family that lasted close to 30 years.

One thing changed: Isaiah, though still bellicose at times, never seemed to deliberately pushing buttons again. Before, he attempt stunts like telling Carol she was stupid, which Carol was insecure about due to the obvious intelligence of her siblings; or telling Simon he was effeminate. The only person he indulged was Barbara who could always make him laugh for she was the only one who understood his dark humor, who laughed merrily at his twisted comments.

What had transpired between Isaiah and Sarah only the two of them knew. Barbara suspected that Sarah just made Isaiah understand he was totally and utterly dependant on the good graces of the rest of the family. That was how she could just relax in front of her father and enjoy herself, unlike her siblings. They cared too much about what Isaiah said.

Not Barbara. She had finally found the one movie house Macau had, at the time. And Halleluah, they were showing the latest Judy Garland musical.

[963 words, 4071 total]

3b

2005-11-05T11:13:00.000-08:00

After one particular nasty exchange between Isaiah and Simon, Sarah told the three children not to come home until she had put a white handkerchief in the window. Carol, Simon and Barbara huddled beneath the window, speculating wildly in their thoughts, but none daring to vocalize them.

After what seemed like countless hours, the much anticipated handkerchief appeared. The three of them marched in with sideway glances at the parents. Isaiah was calm and sitting at the head of the table, with a full spread in front of him. He indicated to the three to sit down. Sarah then sat down and offered a prayer of thanks. Nothing else was ever said about that night and a peace descended upon the family that lasted close to 30 years.

One thing changed: Isaiah, though still bellicose at times, never seemed to deliberately pushing buttons again. Before, he attempt stunts like telling Carol she was stupid, which Carol was insecure about due to the obvious intelligence of her siblings; or telling Simon he was effeminate. The only person he indulged was Barbara who could always make him laugh for she was the only one who understood his dark humor, who laughed merrily at his twisted comments.

What had transpired between Isaiah and Sarah only the two of them knew. Barbara suspected that Sarah just made Isaiah understand he was totally and utterly dependant on the good graces of the rest of the family. That was how she could just relax in front of her father and enjoy herself, unlike her siblings. They cared too much about what Isaiah said.

Not Barbara. She had finally found the one movie house Macau had, at the time. And Halleluah, they were showing the latest Judy Garland musical.

[292 words]

3a

2005-11-05T10:10:00.000-08:00

Chapter 2

2005-11-04T20:43:00.000-08:00

Barbara soon found out that being on the run wasn't fun in the least. For four weeks, the Chings made their way south, often only a few steps ahead of the Communist army. Rumors made truth impossible to see. One day they would hear that Mao Tse Tung had been assassinated and the next day, it'd be Chiang Kai-shek who'd been.

Fearful that Simon would be taken to serve in either party's army, Sarah talked Simon into wearing women's clothes for the duration of the trip. Though Simon felt emasculated by his actions, he nonetheless had to face the truth: he wasn't a fighter. Simon had been reared to be the genius of the family. Early on, he was allowed to not participate in sports to further his studies in mathematics.

After two days of teasing by Barbara, (Carol had better sense, AND had been an early recipient of Simon's temper) Simon finally managed to corner Barbara and after a painful headlock, extracted a promise of silence from Barbara that she kept until after his death. During the exchange, Barbara had seen a wild panic behind Simon's eyes that just seemed too close to the surface for comfort. She made the promise not because she was afraid he'd hurt her, but rather, that he'd hurt himself.

Carol had withdrawn more and more the further south they went. Each town they stepped in seemed to have more stories about atrocities committed by the Communists and each story would make Carol blanch more. No one needed to say "And this was the crowd you hung around with?" Carol's stricken face told the family she was trying to reconcile revolution with being a Christian.

Barbara tried to approach Carol a few times; after all, it had to have been better than to be around a mortified Simon, but it seemed both her siblings had, for their own reasons, withdrawn from the world. Barbara took to watching her parents for sheer alleviation of boredom.

Isaiah was a very handsome man and he was fully aware of it. His skin was this luminescent pearl white; Barbara had often overheard their servants whispering that the reason for his skin was a Russian ancestor. Snickers would follow that observation which would anger Barbara. From then onwards, she had always made sure people thought of their family as pure Chinese, central stock.

Sarah, on the other hand, was rather stern looking. Even when she smiled, which was rare, she seemed to display dragon teeth. Few dared to cross her yet it seemed Isaiah did, frequently.

Isaiah had one weakness, and that was the theatre. He had a box at Shanghai Opera House and often on the way home, he would stop there for a song or two. Because Sarah was quite vocal in her dislike of Chinese Opera, none of her children grew up to understand just what Isaiah heard in those one-word-that-can-be-stretched-into-dozens-of-notes. Which suited Isaiah quite nicely. After a full day being at a school full of children, the last thing he wanted was his own children disturbing him during his bliss.

Three weeks on intense scrutiny led Barbara to believe that her mother and father didn't really love each other, they merely seemed to tolerate each other. Shaking her head, she vowed to herself she'd never end up in that state.

Then, just as Macau was within two day's reach, a test of their faith shook them all up. Isaiah collapsed with a stroke. Simon had managed to find a doctor, also a refugee. For his diagnosis, Simon had to promise a percentage of his future earnings. Recognizing Isaiah and the Ching family as devout Christians, the doctor made Simon promise on a Bible with Sarah as witness.

The prognosis wasn't good; Isaiah was completely paralyzed on the left side. Managing to create a make-shift stretcher, Sarah and the children took turns carrying Isaiah into Macau. Because of Isaiah's state, they almost weren't allowed into Macau, but Sarah slipped the border guard a very large emerald broach. The change in attitude was almost comical. In fact, it was the border guard who found them the residence in which they'd live for the next five years.

The first few weeks were spent in getting a doctor for Isaiah, a job for Sarah, school for the children and of course a church. The doctor and church were relatively easy to find; it turned out that the guard was a Christian as well, his parents having been converted by Portuguese missionaries. "Didn't I tell you God would provide?" Sarah would ask her children nightly as if to convince herself.

When it came time for the children to start school again, Carol decided to stay at home. "Baba needs someone to take care of him" was the reason given. Going around to the high schools in the area, she found that unless she had the proper papers showing proof of residency in Macau, she had to provide a sizable bribe. With the limited income she had and with Isaiah's rising medical bills, a bribe was out.

An answer came when Sarah was about to throw out Carol's application to the local university. Realizing that no proof of residency, age, OR graduation was needed to attend the school, she quickly enrolled both Simon and Barbara, counting on both their intelligence to keep up.

Another thing Sarah counted on was the fact that all three of her children had little deh tse or daam in the local dialect, Cantonese. No, daring was truly lacking in all three. Therefore, she had little trouble trusting them to stay out of trouble.

At 16 years old, Barbara entered the adult world of the university.

[949 words, 3108 total]

2b

2005-11-04T18:49:00.000-08:00

Then, just as Macau was within two day's reach, a test of their faith shook them all up. Isaiah collapsed with a stroke. Simon had managed to find a doctor, also a refugee. For his diagnosis, Simon had to promise a percentage of his future earnings. Recognizing Isaiah and the Ching family as devout Christians, the doctor made Simon promise on a Bible with Sarah as witness.

The prognosis wasn't good; Isaiah was completely paralyzed on the left side. Managing to create a make-shift stretcher, Sarah and the children took turns carrying Isaiah into Macau. Because of Isaiah's state, they almost weren't allowed into Macau, but Sarah slipped the border guard a very large emerald broach. The change in attitude was almost comical. In fact, it was the border guard who found them the residence in which they'd live for the next five years.

The first few weeks were spent in getting a doctor for Isaiah, a job for Sarah, school for the children and of course a church. The doctor and church were relatively easy to find; it turned out that the guard was a Christian as well, his parents having been converted by Portuguese missionaries. "Didn't I tell you God would provide?" Sarah would ask her children nightly as if to convince herself.

When it came time for the children to start school again, Carol decided to stay at home. "Baba needs someone to take care of him" was the reason given. Going around to the high schools in the area, she found that unless she had the proper papers showing proof of residency in Macau, she had to provide a sizable bribe. With the limited income she had and with Isaiah's rising medical bills, a bribe was out.

An answer came when Sarah was about to throw out Carol's application to the local university. Realizing that no proof of residency, age, OR graduation was needed to attend the school, she quickly enrolled both Simon and Barbara, counting on both their intelligence to keep up.

Another thing Sarah counted on was the fact that all three of her children had little deh tse or daam in the local dialect, Cantonese. No, daring was truly lacking in all three. Therefore, she had little trouble trusting them to stay out of trouble.

At 16 years old, Barbara enters the adult world of the university.

[394 words]

Chapter 2a

2005-11-04T17:45:00.000-08:00

1c

2005-11-04T16:42:00.000-08:00

Barbara wasn't sure how she felt about leaving Shanghai in 1949. She had just turned sweet 16 (not that anyone in her family had noticed) and in the past few years since the war had ended in 1945, she had enjoyed such freedoms like she never did before. Because both her parents, Sarah and Isaiah were involved with reconstruction as well as trying to keep Carol out of trouble, both Simon and Barbara were pretty much left to their own devices.

On Saturdays in Shanghai, Barbara used to love hopping from movie house to movie house, seeing as many as four movies in a day. She'd hit the morning movie, run and get a snack from a food stall on the way to the second theatre house, see two more movies, get dinner from another food stall on the way to the fourth movie house. Arriving home, Sarah'd ask "Chue sah dee fong, ah?" Where'd you go? And Barbara'd shrug and reply "Kui deen ying." She start to tell her mother about who was in the movie, but before five words got out her mouth, Sarah'd be dealing with Simon's current woes.

So, Barbara grew up in a dream-state of sorts, with movie stars like Barbara Stanwyck to serve as role models. Her class-mates and her poured over the latest gossip rags from Hollywood that were ferried over from the States. Of course, the latest would mean three-to-five year old articles but Barbara and her friends didn't care.

When Isaiah announced the move to Macau, Barbara only had one question. Do they show American movies there?

[266 words]

Adding onto Chapter 1

2005-11-04T16:37:00.000-08:00

[Author's Notes] Ugh, just realized that what I needed to put in is actually part of Chapter 1. God, I hate writing sometimes. People have asked me in the past where I break up the paragraphs, the chapters. I likened it to this: You know how you put a comma in when you take a breath in your sentences? Well, the paragraph and chapter changes come when you take a breath in your ideas.

And since I'm writing about how Barbara got to Hong Kong (Oh, it needs to be established I think that she's from Shanghai), there's no pause in idea.

Changing Perspectives

2005-11-04T16:29:00.000-08:00

[Author's Notes] I spent a day thinking about it and yup, I'm tossing out what I have of Chapter 2.

Why? Because I deliberately shifted perspectives to that of Barbara's mother. While I think I managed to capture a different voice, I think the change in perspectives detracted from the story rather than add to it.

The main reason to change a perspective in a novel is to provide the reader with knowledge that the protagonist doesn't have. No matter how you dress your reasons, that is what it basically boils down to. Say, for instance, you wanted to show that the person the protagonist is angry at, was confused and not deliberately antagonistic, you might shift to that person's viewpoint.

At this juncture, I want Barbara to remain a flawed person, self-centered but fun to be around. Foolish, yet intelligent. Putting Eileen's perspective won't add anything except for provide a reason for Barbara to have gone to college at 16.

Okay. Chapter 2, take 2.

2a

2005-11-02T21:37:00.000-08:00

Barbara was 16 when the family arrived bedraggled into Macau. They had traversed over 800 miles in their effort to outrun the Communists and had arrived just in time. Somehow, Barbara's mother, Eileen had secured a one-room flat in the seediest part of town, much to Isaiah's disgruntlement but all that mattered to Eileen was a roof over her family's head.

Naturally, Isaiah being the principal of a school, signified the importance of education in Barbara's family, so of course the first thing Eileen did was tromp her children off to college. Though both Simon and Barbara were both technically too young for college, she knew them both to be smart and quick enough to be able to keep up. Though she foresaw the pitfalls this move would have on all her children, it was simpler than trying to enroll them into a school where she would have to explain why they didn't have the proper papers.

It wasn't long before her foresight proved uncannily accurate. Carol started being afraid and unsure of herself as she struggled with both the fact that her siblings, though younger, outstripped her in studies as well as the news of atrocities committed by the Communists. Any mention of associations with communists made her jumpy. From then on, her claim was always that she was being duped by the other students and she had no idea what they were using the presses for.

Simon grew more haughty and arrogant as he realized his intellectual prowess. Before long, he grew hopes of leaving Macau in search of... something that could challenge him. His boredom grew daily. Eileen puffed with pride every time she thought of Simon. She agreed. For Simon to stay in Macau was a waste. They had to find a way for him to emigrate to America where Harvard, Yale, and the rest of the Ivy League schools could incite his intelligence.

Barbara grew more wild each day. Allowing her to go to college and make adult decisions didn't seem to dampen her spirits any. If anything, any mantle of responsibility seemed to slip from her shoulders to end up discarded. Barbara just loved to have fun too much. *tsk* Eileen's tongue clicked against the inside of her teeth. She would just have to trust that Barbara yuh dou nau - has her head on correctly. At this point in her life, she would just have to trust God.

[404 words, 1742 total]

Chapter 1

2005-11-02T21:21:00.000-08:00

"May I have this dance?" The man's engrish was awful but Barbara gave him points for trying. At least he had more daam than the rest of the boys standing around ogling her and her cousins. She grabbed his hand and led the way to the dance floor.

The four person band blared out a nice Frank Sinatra tune. She jigged, she jagged, she did all the moves she had been practicing in her room all week and it seemed to do the trick. The eyes behind the glasses seemed to twinkle at her under the flashing lights of the nightclub. She smiled broadly at him but he didn't smile back; it was more of a smirk.

Va da hau queu she thought to herself. Not very good looking. His glasses were on the thick side; and his mouth was sort of meh, crooked. Ah, that explained the reluctance to smile.

After the dance was over, he led the way back to her group, bought a round of drinks for her friends, and left. Barbara looked after him and asked Jimmy, the boy her sister was dating, who that guy was. "Yee sze Wong Er Liu" Jimmy replied in Shanghainese even though they were in a nightclub in Hong Kong. She raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Mm muh Ying Wen ming tze?" No English name? A shake of the head was her reply.

In the 1950's in Hong Kong, most of the younger generated sported English names. Most names were taken from names of movie stars but since the movies usually took 3-5 years in being distributed in Hong Kong, the names taken were from yesterday's stars. There were lots of Bettys after Betty Grable, and Rosalinds after Rosalind Russell. Judys after Judy Garland, and Joans after Joan Crawford.

To have no English equivalent for his name indicated to Barbara, a sense of identity that needed no borrowing from others for justification. She smiled. Then promptly forgot him.

*****

The 1950's in Hong Kong was an exciting time to live in. World War II was now firmly in the past, only remembered hotly by people old enough to remember the indignities suffered at the hands of the Japanese. Barbara had been young enough that had she walked up to the Japanese soldiers in Shanghai, she would've received a pat on the head and perhaps food even. Her older brother, Simon was just a year older so his memory of the invasion was also suspect.

Jimmy, her sister Carol's boyfriend, was two years older than Simon, and was of the age where suspicion fell easily upon his shoulders. To hear Jimmy talk of the invasion was to suffer through a couple of hours of heated discussion, which Barbara studiously avoided. After all, the war was over and they weren't under Communist rule.

The late 40's, after the war with Japan had ended, was a turbulent time in China. Two factions vied for the soul of China - the corrupt Kuomingtang (Nationalist) party and the dreaded no-nonsense Communist party. Of the two parties, Barbara's family stood firmly on the Nationalistic side. After all, Sun Yat Sen founded that party and the family had ties from before the invasion.

But the Nationalist Party had a dark taint to them; they had, under the guidance of Chang Kai Shek, lost to the invading Japanese Party. The shame of the loss was multiplied when one realized how small Japan was to China. Blame flew onto everything the Nationalist Party touched; and out of this disgruntlement grew the Communist Party, starting with students in the universities that had studied Marx.

Within Barbara's family, a small re-enactment of the war for China's soul took place. Barbara's father had been the principal of the largest English girls' school, and therefore represented the establishment: the Nationalist Party. Carol, Barbara's sister had been in college and had made friends with students that fervently hated the establishment. In their eyes, the descent of China's status in the world as well as the corruption that ran rampant in every government office had everything to do with the Nationalist Party and the influence of Western ideals (apparently, the students didn't appreciate the irony of being influenced by Karl Marx).

When Isaiah Ching, Barbara's father, finally realized that Carol had been allowing her friends to use his school's printing press to print out communist manifestos, he had to make a decision quickly, for the situation he had been placed in was a tight squeeze. On one side, his family had ties to the Nationalist Party. On the other hand, the manifestoes that were posted all over Shanghai might get traced back to his school. What to do? No matter who won the battle for China's soul, people would point to his family as being on the other side.

Feeling that no choice was left, Isaiah packed up his family and fled to Macau, a Portugese colony off the coast of Hong Kong.

Barbara wasn't sure how she felt about leaving Shanghai in 1949. She had just turned sweet 16 (not that anyone in her family had noticed) and in the past few years since the war had ended in 1945, she had enjoyed such freedoms like she never did before. Because both her parents, Sarah and Isaiah were involved with reconstruction as well as trying to keep Carol out of trouble, both Simon and Barbara were pretty much left to their own devices.

On Saturdays in Shanghai, Barbara used to love hopping from movie house to movie house, seeing as many as four movies in a day. She'd hit the morning movie, run and get a snack from a food stall on the way to the second theatre house, see two more movies, get dinner from another food stall on the way to the fourth movie house. Arriving home, Sarah'd ask "Chue sah dee fong, ah?" Where'd you go? And Barbara'd shrug and reply "Kui deen ying." She start to tell her mother about who was in the movie, but before five words got out her mouth, Sarah'd be dealing with Simon's current woes.

So, Barbara grew up in a dream-state of sorts, with movie stars like Barbara Stanwyck to serve as role models. Her class-mates and her poured over the latest gossip rags from Hollywood that were ferried over from the States. Of course, the latest would mean three-to-five year old articles but Barbara and her friends didn't care.

When Isaiah announced the move to Macau, Barbara only had one question. Do they show American movies there?

[1,095 words, 1,604 total]

Where Da Muse?

2005-11-02T20:04:00.000-08:00

[Author's Notes] Where's the Muse? Dagnamit!

I had pumped out three paragraphs before I had to pick Bratworse up. After getting home, there was a tiny little emergency and I had to leave the house again. Furious, I took care of it, came home, sat down, and realize the muse decided being around an angry resigned idealist just wasn't fun. So she took a hike.

And I'm here cussing myself out cause who is there to blame? No one. I didn't have to get angry. If I had just quickly taken care of business and come home, the muse might've even rewarded me for my good behaviour. But no, I hadda get angry. So now, I'm writing this instead of writing the story.

It's not enough that I had to discard 1,399 words. Yes, you read that correctly. My day off yesterday to kick off Nanowrimo was pretty much in vain. I wrote 1,399 of discardable material. Not only are they discardable, they should be discarded. Did you smell the stink?

Okay, okay, I'm being hard on myself. It wasn't that the words stank. Actually, I'm really pissed that I can't use my opening line there. It was just that the writing had no direction. It was like watching an ant in a box. It goes this way, stops, backs up, heads another way to stop, back up and head another direction. Useless.

So for yesterday's final tally, it was a whopping 800 words.

And today so far, it's been about 500 words. I need to average 1500 words a day to make it.

Okay. Maybe after a piece of chicken (get your minds out of the gutter. I'm talking KFC here.) I'll feel better and can put more down. Hope you are enjoying this.

1b

2005-11-02T18:17:00.000-08:00

*****

1a

2005-11-01T20:47:00.000-08:00

Prologue

2005-11-01T19:55:00.000-08:00

She glanced over to make sure that her husband's ashes were still in her daughter's arms. Yes, there it was, encased in the cheapest case her daughters would allow. If it'd been up to her, the ashes would've been in a sack - he doesn't deserve such niceties as a box.

*Harumph*

Barbara's youngest daughter looked at her with concern. Let her look. Ngo hung bei nei tsai lyung meh? You'd think I'd let you pity me? She harumphed again.

Anger drenched Barbara again and again with each thought that carried her husband's name. Anger would make her snarl and she'd catch herself with the snarl at the back of her throat, ready to pounce like the tiger she felt like. She'd catch herself and force the snarl back, back, back into her stomach where the snarl would rumble, readying itself to pounce again at the next thought.

"Nei toh ngoh ah, Mommy?" It's strange that both her daughters still called her that occasionally. Almost as if they still want her to take care of them. *Harumph* It's her that had been wronged, not them! The snarl leapt up her throat again and she swallowed it down. Shaking her head, she indicated that it was an upset stomach that was rumbling, not hunger. Her eldest nodded in understanding.

Her anger almost erupted again. Nei tsee meh! What do you know! Were you the one he lied to for 40 years? No! Were you the one he cheated on for 20 years with a woman half his age? No! You were only the one he lied to that ONE time you asked. *Harumph*

Her youngest shifted in the seat furthest away from her. The three of them had managed to secure the four seats in the middle of the jumbo jet but her youngest somehow in her magical way, had ensured that at least one empty seat separated them. Barbara chuckled despite herself.

How on earth did she end up like this? Her comfort were that both her children were with her and that finally, they understood the indignities she had put up with over the years. They kept taking his side! But now, they knew. Didn't their aunt, her husband's own sister say it out loud finally? That their father had a mistress, maybe several?

That her youngest took it in stride, she wasn't that surprised. She and Vickie had talked about the possibilities over the years. That her eldest felt so personally affronted did surprise Barbara though. Jackie had said she suspected her father of cheating. Was she really that gullible in believing him when he had told her no when she had asked, point-blank? Barbara shook her head. Sometimes, she didn't understand her children at all.

Again, she looked over at the box in Jackie's arms. She permitted herself a little sneer of the lips as she thought, Tai nei deem. Yee gah neh wing yuen doh hai Mei Gok, loh yeh. Let's see how you'll prevent this. Now you're going to spend eternity in America, old man.

Take Two

2005-11-01T19:52:00.000-08:00

[Author's Notes] Ugh. That so didn't work and I knew it. Bratworse read it and agreed. So, she's making me rewrite a new Chapter One. This time, from a different time and place and with a different voice. Ugh.

Chapter 1 - part 2

2005-11-01T17:03:00.000-08:00

Weirdness was a way to both emulate and yet repulse my mother. See? I take after my mother in temperament. My sister once said that my compliments always came backhanded. I made a deferential bow to my mother at the time; I said I had a great teacher. (Yes, that was a backhanded compliment and no one noticed at the time) My mother cannot abide by strangeness. She fears it but at the same time, respects it. Among Chinese her generation, my mother is already construed as weird. Therefore, to outweird her... well, that was strange indeed then.

Aside from these two things that I know about my mother from her time in Shanghai, that she was great and popular in school, and that she'd hop from movie house to movie house on Saturday (Sunday was reserved for church activities and there was this superstitious belief that bad luck would befall you if you went to the movies on Sunday), I know very little else.

I once asked her what life was like under the Japanese occupation (something my sister would never think to ask, she just isn't curious about those kinds of questions), all she would tell me was the reason why she won't eat white rice. According to her, during the Japanese occupation, rice was so scarce that often, there were maggots writhing in the rice, posing. I've noticed recently, she'd eat half a bowl with dinner though.

I would ask about her grandparents, and all she'd mutter was that her grandfather was very mean, very angry. I'd ask about how her siblings treated her back then, and she 'd just say that both her brother and sister ignored her which was how she liked it. I'd ask how did my grandparents treat her and she'd repeat that she was ignored.

Yet it seemed that everyone was jealous of my mother, according to her. She had the quickest wit, the quickest mind. And to prove it, she would have me race her; she using her abacus and me using a calculator. Or sometimes, she'd have me race her multiplication skills against the calculator. I'd give her a 5 digit number to multiply by a four digit number, and inevitably, she had the answer before I finished finding the numbers on the calculator.

Sometime during the mid to late 40's, my grandparents saw the writing on the walls for themselves. They were scholars, purveyors of Western influences including art (my grandmother taught piano), and worse, they even worshipped a foreign god. The Communist Party was taking over and none of these things would be tolerated. Therefore, they decided to uproot the whole family and become refugees.

This decision couldn't have been easy to come by even though a lot of the peripheral family (To the nuclear family, these would seem peripheral. However, to the Chinese especially at that time, second and third cousins were considered close) had left in search of easier and/or better places to live. My grandfather left his school and with three teenagers and a wife in tow, moved them to Macau. My mother didn't seem too bereft at leaving Shanghai. I don't think she was happy there, except when she was goofing off at school, or when she was escaping, through the movies.

[550 words]

Chapter 1 - part 1

2005-11-01T15:07:00.000-08:00

"How's your room-mate?" With three words, my mother, Barbara Ching Wan Sze managed to contort herself into a moebius strip and simultaneously acknowledged yet disavowed my relationship to my lover. My mother should've joined the Cirque du Soleil of words.

*****

Though I take after my father's side in looks, in temperament, I am my mother's daughter. And it is because of the similarity that I can look at my mother and truly appreciate the injustice of her birth being 30-40 years too early. Don't get me wrong, I don't pity my mother. A tremendous amount of her circumstances came as a result of her own doing; nonetheless, I recognize that had she been born when I had been born or even later, that perhaps she wouldn't have made the choices she had.

Barbara Ching was born in Shanghai, China in the early 30's. Exactly when is unknown, if you are referring to the Western Calendar aka the Gregorian Calendar aka the Solar Calendar. According to the Lunar Calendar that most Asians referred to, she was born 5 days before the New Year. Because there are sometimes 13 months in a year according to the Lunar Calendar (just like sometimes a woman will bleed 13 times in a year), it was best to count backwards from Chinese New Year.

Sometimes, she'd joke that that her birthday fell on the Chinese Christmas and she never minded that December has 31 days. It were these lapses of logic that defined my mother to some of us. Okay, okay, it defined her to me, one who prided herself on being fairly logical.

The 30's in Shanghai was an odd mix in time for the Chinese. Since Shanghai was one of the if not the largest port in China, it was bombarded with Western influences. To illustrate just how successful this bombardment was, my family on my mother's side is very proud that my generation is the fourth or fifth generation Christian. My grandfather was born in 1902 and he was a 2nd or 3rd generation Christian. He was also a freemason.

My family was apparently very proud of their ties to the Western influxes. Barbara Ching's uncle was the president of one of the largest banks with ties to Sun Yat Sen; her father was the principal of the largest English schools for girls. Barbara Ching happily spent the mid 40's breezing through school and running to the movies on Saturday.

"Ngu patchok hough. Yi nieyk tee koo yi kuew sze tsok!" That's Shanghainese for "I planned it out. One day can see 4 movies!" She'd apparently go to the morning show on Saturday, dash out as soon as it ended and stop at an uncle's stall to get some food. She'd then see three other movies and end up home by bedtime. "Mom," I'd ask puzzled, "Didn't Booboo (grandma) and Kungkung (grandpa) mind?" She'd laugh and say they were too busy and by the time they had her, it was hands off parenting.

These movies weren't Chinese movies. Well most of them weren't. I'm sure my mother watched some Chinese movies, but apparently, they didn't compare to the ones that came from the United States. She grew up watching any and every movie she could, from the Katherine Hepburn/Spencer Tracy teamups, to Cary Grant's elegant comedies, to Joan Crawford melodramas, to Bing Crosby's croonings. You name a movie star, she could probably tell you what movies they'd been in.

My fondness for movie trivia grew as direct result of listening to my mother speak of those days with such fondness. We'd watch old movies together, her turning up the volume to cover up my wheezing. She'd name this star and that, (a habit I acquired) and then would remember to show me the movies she particularly liked. I cannot tell you how many times I watched Imitation of Life with Sandra Dee. In some ways, I may have had to do her one better, as offsprings are wont to do; I got into behind the scenes trivia. I often know who directed and/or wrote a movie.

The other thing I know about this period is that my mother was always at the top of her class. Barbara Ching was apparently the class clown, but also the top of the class. Though the two titles aren't mutually exclusive, it's hard to embody both and yet my mother seemed to have, according to her own words.

The image of being the popular and smartest girl in class is an image both my sister and I have had to contend with. Though neither of us talk about it, we both know we fell short and that forever, mother'd find us lacking. My sister and I reacted differently. She chose to be the one with the most education, thereby nullifying any concept that she might be stupid (a word my mother used often on us. I just knew it wasn't true, but my sister doubted herself enough to be influenced by the word). I chose to be the weird one.

[To be continued] [849 words]

The Start of Something New

2005-11-01T13:45:00.000-08:00

[Author's Notes] So, I'm going to try and write a semi-autobiographical account of the turbulence between my mother and I. This story has been burbling in my head for the past thirty years and maybe, just maybe, putting it down on paper will help alleviate some of my frustrations. So yeah, this year's Nanowrimo exercise will be an exorcism of sorts.

Here it goes! Wish me luck or tell me to break a finger or wrist or something (y'know, along the lines of "break a leg").